Memory of maryam....

I cannot count how many blogs I’ve got since the blog phenomenon. I started one when I was in the middle of depression and deleted it when I’ve felt better because reading one entry saying how I cried endlessly when the printers in library weren’t working. And I haven’t written much since the last 6 months.

But writing can be fun. Pouring your heart out, complaining about people, a chance to be narcissistic, who wouldn’t want that? So here I am. I will try to mantain this blog and make it 'alive' until the end of the year. Let’s see how it turns out.

Last Saturday, I received a SMS from my friend, the sms said, “Assalamualaikum, Maryam passed away ptg tadi. Xcident. –noe”. My heart literally stopped for few seconds. All emotions just came to me. And then I was struck with disbelief. Is this real? Is this a dream? Please let me wake up and see her face again…

It’s been 5 days since she’s gone. I’m still in utter shock. I’m not really sad or been crying badly. Big part of me still can’t believe that she’s really not here. I won’t be seeing her, ever again. I won’t be hearing her voice. I won’t be hearing her, calling me uj**z. I won’t be hugging her and chatting wif her complaining about life. I won’t feel envy because she’s so determined and ambitious that totally makes me intimidated. I haven’t grieved for her, because if I do, that means she’s really gone. Her memories will fade away over time.

OK. Before I go on… Let’s just not talk about fate. How God loves her more than we do. How it’s her time, no matter how small/big the accident, she’s still be dead because it’s her time. I’m not questioning or saying these are not true. It’s just now I realized how those words never helpful to people who are grieving. Because all we want are ears and shoulder to lean on during this difficult time.

Last night, I dreamt about her. She was involved in a car accident. She was put in the trunk of a car, the driver ran away and the car crashed. As any terrible car crash, she didn’t survive.

My mind kept finding the reasons behind the terrible crash. I guess this is called intellectualization, finding explanations to justify the situation. How the motorcycle was ridden too fast and then it lost control, how something was on the road and she was trying to avoid it, or maybe she didn’t even wear a helmet/loose helmet that was how she got a serious head injury. These reasons protecting me from the truth, that she’s not alive. She’s dead.

The last time I saw her was during my sister’s wedding. We didn’t’ talk much. Just exchanged our hellos and some small talk. Can’t believe it would be my last time.

We weren’t really close when I was in the States but we did keep in touch and sometimes chat usually on msn. We would talk about of course career stuff, friendship and relationship. I have always felt lost and second-guessing my career/academic choice. When we talked about this, she said she was lucky to have always known what she wanted to do. She wanted to be an architect. I always thought she’s one of the people who will be successful in her life. She has the passion and determination.

Everytime I look at her friendster, I always ask myself, is this true that she’s not here anymore. And the last day she checked her friendster was her last day. And that will never change. And it could never be 24 hrs.

She was buried in Kajang. For now, I just pray for her that she’ll be in peace; her family will be in peace.

AL-Fatihah…